


...the dog you really gotta dread, is the one that's howling in your head...

by wearethedreamersofdreams



Series: she is the universe [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, pesky inner voices, those thoughts that never hit you at the right time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearethedreamersofdreams/pseuds/wearethedreamersofdreams
Summary: the doctor has a conversation with her inner demons
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: she is the universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772701
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	...the dog you really gotta dread, is the one that's howling in your head...

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to warn ahead that it might have gotten a bit dark? So please if that triggers you refrain from reading.
> 
> another thirteen fanzine prompt:  
> inner demons
> 
> not sure where this all came from, for my normal writing its hella dark so apparently that's a skill i now posses as well

_“Doctor.”_

The Doctor tried to find the source of the whisper, but for the life of her could not find where it was coming from. Last thing she remembered had that for the first time in weeks she had gone to bed to catch a few hours of sleep. She did not need a lot of it, but her body had decided for her when she had fallen asleep while sitting at the control panel. Hitting her head and realizing she needed a few hours to get her body back into pique energy.

After that, the Doctor did not really remember what she had been up to until now.

“ _Doctor.”_ The Doctor finally was able to open her eyes, but all she encountered was darkness. She turned around and around but could not find the source of the whispers.

_“Have you gone back home recently?”_ The Doctor frowned, what was this, where was she?”

“Who are you, what do you want from me?” The Doctor could not recognize the voice, what it did next surprised her. It started to laugh, quietly, but audible in the darkness. The Doctor frowned.

“ _You did, didn’t you? You went home cause the Master told you so. And look where that got you. Another failure on you. Don’t you think it is time to face the fact that you are nothing more but a useless nuance to the universe?”_ The Doctor scrunched up her face while still spinning around the dark space, the voice had gotten louder and louder and to her utter horror it sounded very much like her own.

_“What about Grace? Don’t you think it’s time to face the fact that if you hadn’t stepped into her life, she would still be alive?”_ The Doctor felt a light tremor starting in her hands. It was not as if these thoughts had been in her head every single day after it had happened. If there was one thing the Doctor was good in it was making herself doubt everything she has done in her long live. She was not sure if it were just this body or if she had always been loathing herself.

_“Or what about River, are you not supposed to be her wife? In health and in sickness? You have not even dared to tell the fam about her. What kind of memory is that? You are afraid to so much as mention her to anyone.”_ The Doctor shook her head. The voice was dredging up every single painful thing that had ever happened, and with it came the assault of memories. The Doctor had taken up residence in the middle of the dark space, putting her hands against her ears and trying to block out everything the voice was saying.

_“Have you ever thought about Amy? Rory? Donna and Bill? There are so many names I could say, and look at you, you are cowering away from it all. That is what you are. A coward. You are not the Universe’s saviour. You are pathetic for ever thinking that you could be good in anyone’s eyes.”_ Oh, how she had wanted to be good. But these names were all proof that she had blood on her hands. She was no different from the Daleks, or the Cybermen.

Maybe the Master and her were not that different.

“Can you please stop? I know I’m not worth anyone’s love, you don’t have to tell me that again.” The Doctor whispered. With every single word the voice spoke louder and louder.

_“You can’t hide from me, and you know it. You know what I say is true. Just like you try to hide your dark past from your fam. What will happen when they find out that you killed your own race? That you committed a genocide? They will not like you then. They will stop travelling with you and you’ll be alone again!”_ The Doctor shook her head wildly, by now tears were streaking down her face and she had moved herself into a little ball on the dark cold ground. Her biggest fear would always be that any of her companions would leave, either voluntary, involuntary or by dead. More recently, now that she had gotten very close to Yaz, she had this innate fear that at some point Yaz would be done, or that the danger the Doctor kept putting her in would be to much and she would just _leave._ At that the Doctor could not help but gasp loudly in between the loud sobs she was now letting out.

“No! They will not leave me. _Yaz_ won’t leave me.” The voice started to laugh now. The sound boomed throughout the space, and the Doctor could not help but flinch away from it.

“ _You really believe that doctor? You really believe you are good enough for a human? You believe you are good enough for Yasmin Kahn? I really hate to break it to you, but she is going to leave you sooner rather then later Doctor. You know why? No, actually you tell me.”_ The Doctor gasped and shook her head. The sobs where heart wrenching.

_“ANSWER ME DOCTOR, WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULD STAY WITH YOU!?”_

All noise had stopped. The voice had changed to that of Yaz, and it had made the Doctor stop crying. She was quiet now, just laying there. For a long time, she could not help but think the voice had been right. That _Yaz_ had been right. But then she thought about the conversation her and Yaz had just mere days before after Graham and Ryan had left to get a few hours of sleep in their own bed.

_“Doctor? I think… I…” the Doctor glanced at Yaz, who was nervously wringing her hands right in front of herself. The Doctor frowned, thinking that she might knew where this was heading._

_“Hey Yaz, you know you can tell me anything, right?” the Doctor had stepped closer towards Yaz, who luckily did not flinch away. When the Doctor saw Yaz was still hesitating, she stepped closer and put her finger against Yaz’s chin, while making her look into her own eyes. Before the Doctor would lose her cool, she leaned in and kissed Yaz._

_It was soft and everything the Doctor hoped it would be, and surprisingly Yaz did not pull away, she seemed to get more and more sure of herself._

They had kissed, and then kissed some more and then they had just talked about their feelings, and where to go from here. The conversation was a bit foggy now, but the Doctor remembered one thing, one _promise_ very clearly.

_“I won’t let you go, for as long as you want me, I’ll be by your side.”_

The Doctor had gotten up, a renewed look of spirit shining in her eyes.

“No. you’re wrong. Me and Yaz? We are very good together. We are actually great together, and no one, not even you can fight me on that. I have made mistakes in the past, but I have also saved lives. I made plenty of friends along the way and I just know that the fam will be by my side for many more days to come.

The voice had gone quiet. The Doctor was out of breath but grinning like a mad woman. She felt like she had won that one.

_“Okay, so be it. But Doctor, remember this, do not come running back to me, when it all has slipped through your hands again.”_

The Doctor gasped awake, sitting upright in her bed.

“Doctor?” a muffled voice said next to her, when the Doctor had calmed down a bit, she realized that she had not gone to bed alone.

“Yaz? Hi, hey go back to sleep alright.” Yaz had moved herself up against the headboard next to the Doctor, who was looking at her with only adoration in her eyes. Yaz wiped away the remnants of sleep out of her eyes and looked at the Doctor.

“I’m awake now, and that dream sounded serious. You want to talk about it?” The Doctor was about to say no when she remembered some of the things of her nightmare.

“You know what Yaz? I might need to let go of some of my _inner demons._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> for all my earpers, yeah i might have used one of my favorite Wayhaught quotes... sue me... (andras might)   
> the title is from the wait for me reprise song from hadestown... (please do not sue me cause i love you and im on furlough so i have no money to speak of, kay thanks)
> 
> tweets  
> @JenniferEarp_
> 
> tumblz:  
> manyotherroadsyettorun


End file.
